Humans of Himachal

Stories • Destinations • Motivation

Yes! I am not a coward

I found myself on Google.

I typed: “How to kill myself and make it look like an accident”.
Google pulled up a large number of results, and quickly.
On the first page I read – “Making suicide look like an accident”; “what’s the best way to kill yourself but make it look like an accident”; “making a suicide like some random accident”; “top 20 suicide methods: fastest and painless suicide methods…”
“For me, it’s less about death and more about ceasing the pain. It’s difficult to explain how death would make you feel more alive than ever. I wasn’t running from my problems. I was desperately searching for a way to conquer them.”
“It wasn’t really about dying. It was about escaping unbearable pain when I couldn’t see any other option. And I was convinced everyone would be happier if I was gone, that I was doing them a favor by unburdening them. This is why guilt trips like ‘think of what you’re doing to your loved ones’ don’t work for me… I’m so grateful to still be alive today. The pain did fade. I found other options. And I want to stick around, to see how this life of mine will play out.”
“My attempt had nothing to do with how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ my life is. It came from being tired. Tired of being me, tired of pretending.
‘I am not a coward’
Suicide is not a cowardly act. It’s also not an easy decision to make.
Coming back from that dark place was a difficult journey. And there are still days when I think back on it – it brings me to tears to look at how great the last three years of my life have been. How much I actually did have to live for. What I would have given up.
Am I worthless? No.
Am I a coward? No.
Am I crazy? No.
Am I depressed. Yes.

Everyone had their own troubles and they were dealing with it, so why couldn’t I deal with my stuff? I didn’t think that a therapist would be able to say something that would suddenly make everything better.”

“There’s nothing embarrassing about needing to see a psychologist or take antidepressants, if that’s what it takes to keep you healthy.

Depression is a tough thing to live with. You lose people in your life and you lose yourself in the process.
“It would help a little if the world understood mental illness. Even my family don’t get it − they try to but they don’t understand what I’m dealing with every day.”
This is something you don’t need to run off. There’s nothing wrong in seeking for help and conculting psychiatrist. As physical health mental health is also an important aspect of our life that can cause more damage internally than the physical trauma would do.
Being an Indian citizen, awareness is the must for people in our country, because depression is something people consider as stigma in our society. Secondly judgement behaviour if we can’t help someone so we have no right to demoralise that person to that extent that he or she finds it easy to kill themselves rather than surviving. 
Just a little effort and change, and the world can be a better place to live.

By: Ayushi Sharma

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